Why can't we all just get along? -- What the experts say -- The dark side of human nature -- Why we secretly love to hate -- Three ideas that can change your life -- Diagnosing your relationship -- How good is your relationship? : the relationship satisfaction test -- What do you really want? -- The price of intimacy -- The relationship journal -- Good communication vs. bad communication -- How we control other people -- Three troubled couples -- How to develop loving relationships with the people you care about -- The five secrets of effective communication -- The disarming technique -- Thought and feeling empathy? -- Inquiry : "did I get that right?" -- "I feel" statements -- Stroking : "I it" vs. "I thou" relationships -- Putting it all together : solutions to common relationship problems -- Making the five secrets work for you -- Mastering the five secrets -- Using the five secrets in real time : the intimacy exercise -- Intimacy training for couples : the one-minute drill -- Common traps and how to avoid them -- "Help! the five secrets didn’t work!" -- Helping and problem-solving -- Hiding your head in the sand : conflict phobia and anger phobia -- Apologizing : "Can’t I just say, ’I’m sorry’?" -- Submissiveness : "I must please you" -- Resistance revisited : "why should I have to do all the work?" -- Advanced techniques -- Changing the focus : is there an elephant in the room? -- Positive reframing : opening the door to intimacy-and success -- Multiple-choice empathy : how to talk to someone who refuses to talk to you